I'm 50 next year and I seem to be worried about getting older 40 wasn't that bad but seems a whole other story, what is there to be worry about other death is looming somewhere in the distance and how is mine going to be ! Painful, long, fast, unexpected and so on, so have to think what am I creating here in the fear of death and into the unknown billions before and billions after me you just can't ask anybody and get every detail you need and there's no stopping it! It just looms in the back ground of my everyday life, I don't ever think about it really but it must be there always. So what can I do to release myself from this hidden burden.? Show me universe.

I for some reason looked into my OCD of plucking my eyebrows I've had it since I started at 14 obsessesed can check so many time a day and touch them even more it has never a cured to me to look more deeply I just didn't think I could ever find the answer, so I thought what do I feel when it pops into my mind the feeling of pulling one out which I get several times a day, well it's a feeling of relief of I got it I feel so much better now and a very nice sensation that goes with it, so I asked why, well I'm removing something ugly!!!! So I looked into that and straight away new I thought I was ugly!

Today I'm my wedding anniversary and my husband took me out for a very nice meal and I took advantage of Sunette Spies advise and did everything I want it to be, after her blog about wanting to be like other couples and it works I've spent so much time waiting for the perfect relationship when all I had to do was be it myself! I really think TV movies/cartoons keeps up waiting for something wonderful we forget to be wonderful.

Isnt it funny how we judge people who we don't even know my just a glacé of someone can create thousands of assumption just like that, some on my Facebook who I have never met spoken to changed his profile picture recently now I now this is already strange having some you've never met or spoken to on your Facebook but it's true, anyway I had made my mind up who he was what he was like all from a side shot! And that was it until he changed his profile and I saw a complelety different person and then I started putting another profile (judgement/story) to him, but realize what I'm doing its like everybody has to be marked by me on how I feel about them I just can't see a person without it! Why ? I just want to look and have no movement whatsoever! I intend to stop and breath when I notice this.

Today I couldn't be bother to eat rushing round and thought I'd just eat at dinner time as I just couldn't be bothered to make anything by 3 o'clock I was getting grumpy and it just got worse and worse I got angrier and angrier but I just didn't care shouting off making things far worse that what they are! And it wasn't till I got dinner on the table and made everybody get there food first that I realized what I'd done! And why I was acting like an scary monster! There was a trigger to start the anger, I'd gone over to the mainland to pick three juicers for friends and myself when I got home I opened the box to only find one inside when I paid for three, and it just escelative from there and it was like that's exceptable by the time I pick my daughter up from physio who was 20 mins late coming while dinner was burning in the oven I was a psycho literally scary stuff why did I refuse to deal with it infact I felt I needed to tape into my adrenals and fire them up! Did I want to feel alive! I think I wanted to make things worse and just didn't want to stop.

Funny but a couple of things popped up today that I wanted to write about but now as always I forgot I just can't remember anything I always forget stuff it's driving me crazy, why why why! I haven't worked out why but maybe it's to do with not hanging on to stuff, like more baggage and just dump it and my mind empty everything less baggage less responcibilty I don't want to carry any more than what I have already so just letting it go doesn't make me responcible for it, I understand now I don't like taking responsibility for anything act thick ans stupid and you won't blamed for any thing which ultimately I don't think I'm good enough!

I'm getting the feeling of being very supported as of late I can't put my finger on it but it's there it like whenever I get a aha moment theres something there saying way to go! With this I'm feeling quiet happy with myself and life but when those feeling come up that great big ugly feeling thoughts etc that it's all going to come to a sticky end! Usually the feeling that something will happen to my girls and the end of my process of happy ends it knocks me down fast and swift it crippling me and even if I breath and  the thought well anything could happen at any moment I feel locked in this crazy game because until the day I leave this life I will worry what might happen to them and I want to free In this gloom all I want is someone to tell me nothing awful is ever going to happen to my girls! But even in writing this I see that I'm the creater, anyway I was driving down the road and I could see that I was trapped in like a mechanism of a machine totally trapped I wasn't this person and I was a machine! Who ever is there helping and assisting me with this thank you!

I'm really not sure about this blogging in fact I'm going in blind not sure what I'm meant to write even but if I procastonate 1 minute longer I will go mad! Lol so here goes to blogging already I'm worried about the big orange button that says publish! What is that? Where does this publish? Gosh wasn't expecting that plus on the Desteni blogging page it seems to be attached like an artical, I wonder if this goes there?,! Anyway I've been itching to right and so I am, which makes my title seem crazy now Do I have to! Which seemed apt as I really really hate writing!
So the other day I was walking my dog and I saw police by the water front and a guy lying on the ground I thought wow they just saved that guy amazing until I got closer and saw no way was this guy alive! He was grey and his arms were in the arm in a strange position, I felt a little sick they didn't even bother to cover him up, I carried walking my dog in a hurry I noticed boats out in the water searching and I was going to walk the water front with my dog the whole time I thought I was going to come across a body! 20 mins later I was on my way back I really didn't feel like walking just wanted to go home thinking what could have happen to this guy as only 50metres away was mainland China did he try to swim over or was he killed by dept collects for not paying gambling depts on the was back he was still there still lying there now partially cover on bottom half this is right out side a very well visited temple in our village and poor sightseers looked shocked, anyway next day I headed out that way feeling anxious I walked past the area they hadn't even cleaned up after the poor guy bloody and body fluids all over the floor not nice! So this went on for the week every day feeling anxious about seeing body fluids and that I might see a dead body wash up, until I though why do I carry this moment with me all the time, before it happen I never had this feeling so why do I wish to have it now and carry it everyday! I saw it for what it was!
Well that's it, I'm very happy I wrote so much, being dyslexic I just don't write and if I do it's short as possible!
Going to press publish now wonder where it goes! :)