Thursday, 23 March 2017


I've been scenario thinking since primary school it's like an escape from my life and thoughts of basically not being good enough and so on, it like watching a movie of your own making you can add things take away and be your own director, maybe good directors and great senario thinkers, mine are usually the damsel in distress and a prince will come and save me from the evil people, which were usually people I was scared off.
So a few months ago I decided enough of these stories and I've been stopping them of cause it's a working progress but I don't have the long fairy tale ones usually a short one will pop in and I entertain it until I realize what I'm doing, I find the short ones are very repetitive and run over and over like I can't find anything to think of but this senario and they are usually what I'm going to say to somebody about something, exp last week I thought I need to take my car in to get fixed for the wheel alignment, and over and over again I visualized myself telling a mechanic the car is pulling to the near side and it just wouldn't stop over and over again I said this to a mechanic in my mind until I looked at it and picked it apart, and saw that it was my ego at play, I wanted to tell a mechanic this so he would be impressed that I new what I'm talking about using the term near side I wanted to impress him with my mechanical knowledge lol it just seem ridiculous all that just for that, for my ego to feel good no wonder I have knee problems, anyway you can't just stop them you have to investigate them and see the problem before they will stop.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015


I have feelings of complete happiness and content it usually lasts a few days for no apparent reasons so what could it be, I'm not complaining but why does it happen for no reason just like sometimes I feel I can't go on but the it's usually I've seen the human race in its true colours and know I'm part of all this hostility the feeling of wanting to end it all just to get away and not face what I've done and doing, but of cause I wouldn't I don't have the balls, but there's a reason for it but not the underlying happiness which shows me it can't be real it's programmed and I like it! Yes I do but I want this for everybody to feel this way all the time and the only way it can happen is we all come together as one and equil, then it would be real not programmed.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015


next year I'm moving to live in Australia I have enough money to buy land or just house and no land, I've told my girls yurts might be the way to go, which there not pleased about plus the location is a long way from civilization this is ok for me and my husband but not them which is understandable, I really want to please everybody I rent a tiny house now and can't wait to get the space, but we have everything at hand here, why can't I please everybody I so want everybody happy just to harmony in the house/tent but you just can't please everybody, so I'm thinking about what's best for all and everybody but can't find the answer anywhere, so how do I'm make chooses for everything else that's best for all, when I can't even do it for my family, what is best for all! I just don't know, do we just all come to agreement with the environment/ governments when most of us aren't even on the same page! I want to do what's best for all, a year ago I asked the question should I desex my dog and of cause it's yes but my other dogs desexed had really back arthritis by 3 years old and I was convinced that it had something to do with it, but my vet asured me it didn't, now I'm reading lots have people have this problem with arthritic dog after desexing and it's now been found to be true, so did I again do what's right for all? I'm not so sure now, my olds dogs suffered so because of my choices and my dogs now could suffer, so the right thing is what, and why do I have to ask why don't I already know!

Monday, 11 May 2015

I'm 50 next year and I seem to be worried about getting older 40 wasn't that bad but seems a whole other story, what is there to be worry about other death is looming somewhere in the distance and how is mine going to be ! Painful, long, fast, unexpected and so on, so have to think what am I creating here in the fear of death and into the unknown billions before and billions after me you just can't ask anybody and get every detail you need and there's no stopping it! It just looms in the back ground of my everyday life, I don't ever think about it really but it must be there always. So what can I do to release myself from this hidden burden.? Show me universe.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

I for some reason looked into my OCD of plucking my eyebrows I've had it since I started at 14 obsessesed can check so many time a day and touch them even more it has never a cured to me to look more deeply I just didn't think I could ever find the answer, so I thought what do I feel when it pops into my mind the feeling of pulling one out which I get several times a day, well it's a feeling of relief of I got it I feel so much better now and a very nice sensation that goes with it, so I asked why, well I'm removing something ugly!!!! So I looked into that and straight away new I thought I was ugly!

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Today I'm my wedding anniversary and my husband took me out for a very nice meal and I took advantage of Sunette Spies advise and did everything I want it to be, after her blog about wanting to be like other couples and it works I've spent so much time waiting for the perfect relationship when all I had to do was be it myself! I really think TV movies/cartoons keeps up waiting for something wonderful we forget to be wonderful.

Friday, 8 May 2015

Isnt it funny how we judge people who we don't even know my just a glacé of someone can create thousands of assumption just like that, some on my Facebook who I have never met spoken to changed his profile picture recently now I now this is already strange having some you've never met or spoken to on your Facebook but it's true, anyway I had made my mind up who he was what he was like all from a side shot! And that was it until he changed his profile and I saw a complelety different person and then I started putting another profile (judgement/story) to him, but realize what I'm doing its like everybody has to be marked by me on how I feel about them I just can't see a person without it! Why ? I just want to look and have no movement whatsoever! I intend to stop and breath when I notice this.